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This poem was written during a very difficult time in my life--when my first husband was dying a day at a time from Parkinson's Disease and I was struggling to accept all the parts of myself. It was a powerful time of self-growth for me.
SEA OF DIAMONDS
I sit and eat lunch
A mundane, everyday thing.
The ocean stretches as far as I can see
And it is covered with sparkles
Billions of diamonds blazing in the sun.
I am so blessed to sit
Eating lunch every day
And see the changing moods of the sea.
And recognize in myself those same things.
Some days I sparkle
like billions of diamonds blazing in the sun.
Some days I am calm and peaceful
Blue, blue reaching out and blending into the sky
Into infinity
To the very heart of God.
Some days I am a study in gray
Like the ocean I see
As I eat my lunch.
Grays of every shade but all gray
And some days I am dark
And rage
Bombarding all who come in touch with me
With anger, with criticism, with pettiness;
With all the things I don’t like about myself.
Some days I am rain
Tears falling like rivers within
Feeling sorry for myself
Feeling totally inadequate
And, oh so hurtful, feeling worthless
So afraid others will see within and find me unlovable
A sea of pain—almost too much to bear.
And yet I know the sea is as beautiful in its own way
When rain comes down in sheets
Blurring its lines
Adding to its mystery.
Some days I am fog
Mist so thick I can’t see through
All within is unclear and murky.
Yet it surrounds me like a warm cloak
And I feel safe and sheltered
Safe today from seeing that within which I wish not to see.
Sometimes I am wondrous as an evening sunset
When the sky and sea are a glory of reds or pinks or purples
Drawing the attention of all to itself.
I blaze with brilliance
Dancing briefly across the universe
Breathtakingly beautiful
Awesomely magnificent
Drawing the attention of all to myself
As glorious and riotous as a sunset.
I love seeing the ocean every day.
I love ALL of its moods.
The sinister and the breathtakingly beautiful
The infinite peace and the raging tempest
The rain falling in sheets and the soft infinite variety of greys.
It is part of what I like best about living here
At the very edge of the sea
I see it in all its differing splendors.
And yet, my heart cringes
In agonizing pain
When I am raging
Or gray and depressed
When I am hurtful to others
Or blaze across the sky demanding attention
When I am less than diamonds and peace.
And thus I limit myself
To being a placid pond
Instead of being
The powerful, multifaceted, magnificent ocean
Of my total being.
And so I’ve begun
Oh such a tiny beginning
To see
That I am magnificent in all my moods.
Everything that the sea is
Is mirrored in me
And I’ve never noticed that each
Has a loveliness and specialness.
Next time I do something spectacularly stupid or selfish
I hope I’ll remember
How beautiful I am
How powerful I am
How whole I am
As ever-changingly magnificent
As my beloved sea.
Written on January 17, 2001 by Dr. Jeanne Buckingham (now Hounshell)